I don’t like that man.

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Yes. I suppose you know this blog’s for you. I suppose you also know that over the past four years there has been a time or 2 or perhaps 50 where I didn’t really like you.

As you strategically connected the dots, readjusting along the way, working to create a  picture, from my myopic perspective many a time you were mean, controlling, cutthroat, unappeasable, and inflexible. Like I have blogged before you were an eight feet tall presence, the man in black with a scary gameface.

As you know me better now, you know that without a big picture and a vision, I am lost. The path wasn’t clear to me, it flat out didn’t make sense, and many a time I felt misguided. Perhaps that’s why a time or two or fifty I was perhaps your path of greatest resistance. You, on the other hand, with your nuts and bolts strategies didn’t always find it necessary to divulge the bigger picture you were seeking to create.

Add to that, I’m not a backing down sort of woman. I’m impulsive. I’m passionate. I’m pedagogical. I lack a filter. I like to impulsively share many ideas (even the ones that aren’t best), and I have a hard time building and maintaining procedures. These traits of ADD and otherwise are what make me engaging, knowledgeable, and rigorous. These same traits make me seem self-righteous, egotistical, and disrespectful. 

Today as I hold up the dot to dots you connected and see a clearer picture of myself as a better person and our school as a much better place, I look back at the dots and understand why you connected them in the order you did, and I realize that the  big picture I had in my mind was missing quite a few dots needed to make it complete.

Here are a few of the dots I have connected:

  1. There is a time, a place, and a way to share what I believe.
  2. Sometimes I need to seek the advice of someone who thinks differently than I do. 
  3. I can change things about myself that I didn’t think possible.
  4. In a moment of sharing, my passion, pedagogy, and vision may be perceived by some as know-it-all rhetoric (see number 1).
  5. Take the bad with the good. Let the good remind me of my worth–use the bad/constructive feedback as a building tool. 
  6.  Focusing on too much at once is a sure fire way to get lost and lose others (both young and old).
  7. As I seek to understand others, I will find myself better understood, but more importantly, I will better understand myself and ultimately others as well. Plus, it will make me a better teacher. 
  8. I won’t make it to the top of the mountain. Accepting that and continuing my own personal climb is truly what defines me.
  9. I need to do better at shutting down, winding down, and family time. Ultimately that time will make me better as a teacher and person.
  10. Being open-minded, suspending my disbelief, and letting go of what I think is true is at times crucial to my own growth and learning. Wisdom might come from where I least expect it.

 I got to know that man better, and I kind of like him.

For those times you didn’t like me and for the time you invested in getting to know me better, I am thankful.  I’ll miss our witty banters, our deep conversations, and your continuous push. 

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6 thoughts on “I don’t like that man.

  1. What a wonderful quote and reflection. Good for you for your openness to change and for taking the responsibility to change yourself and be honest… pretty powerful stuff IMHO

    Like

  2. Thanks, Suzanne. For awhile, I just wanted to survive, reach the next bar, be the best, and stay on the principal’s good side. At some point, others teachers (Aimee, that’s you) and the boss noticed the changes happening and commented on it. And then, I opened my eyes and realized I wasn’t reaching for anyone else’s next bar, and I wasn’t competing against anyone else. I was bettering myself as a person and a teacher–not to measure myself against anyone else but for my own betterment for the sake of all the people in my life. And in fact, that’s not about serving myself; it’s about serving and being present to others because that is the heart of teaching and living. Thanks again.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. cmargocs

    Wow. This applies to so much more than a school building. I am in a funk these days, and your post was just what I needed to read. I have accomplished #1 this week, and it’s been hard!

    Liked by 1 person

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